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Being Resilient in Your Relationship Helps

We read a lot on community resilience thanks to COVID19. How about psychological and emotional resilience in our romantic relationships — or other types of relationships for all that matters?

Do you know how important resilience is? It really all boils down to it.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back.

Are you resilient?

Are you resilient yourself? Maybe you think you are but you’re not. Or maybe you think you’re not and you are!

Time for a self-check.

  • Do you forgive easily? Or are you somehow holding a grudge right now? Are there memories of the past that haunt you and create resentment?

  • Are you calm? Do you manage your emotions well? Or do you snap, get red in the face with anger? Do you get all sobby, barely making sense?

  • Are you able to let go and move on? Or do you still spend countless hours rethinking events of the past, reliving a whole palette of emotions?

  • Do you use healthy coping mechanisms when you feel overwhelmed? Or do you cry and scream? Do you slam the door and give the silent treatment for hours?

I, for one, am only moderately resilient in my relationship. That’s right. When I face conflict, I often break. It’s a spiral down to emotional mess, holding onto hurtful memories, crying myself into despair, feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

Why is that?

There are a few key predispositions, but there is certainly more to it.

Being tired. In fact, chronically exhausted.

There’s a reason this blog is called Restless Monkey. In my case, I never really rest, and my tolerance for emotional stretch is near zero.

When you’re tired, it’s harder to bounce back.

Perfectionism. Loving a story well told. Having unrealistic expectations.

Wanting the perfect story makes it near-impossible to appreciate the simpler — and yet so magical — things. It’s just never good enough.

Maybe you watched a lot of Disney movies and saw your parents or any other figures of influence project an image of perfect harmony.

Because you want perfection, expectations of yourself and your significant other are unrealistic.

Loving the plan too much.

It may be a big asset in the professional world, and it makes you more productive and proactive in all kinds of situations.

Yet, life has a different plan and bumps in the road call for creativity in the unknown. Having a to-do list and a packed agenda, little surprises on the way aren’t your favorite thing.

It’s harder to accept the unexpected.

Being highly sensitive. Resentful. Holding grudges.

Everyone’s memory registers events more vividly when there are strong emotions involved.

When you’re highly sensitive, most days hold a lot of emotions. No matter what the subject matter is, you register.

You register every argument, and because it’s still so vivid in your memory, any new disagreement adds on to a previous one, making it bigger and more intolerable. It makes it hard for you to not be resentful, to not hold a grudge and it makes it challenging to forgive.

It’s one of those, “I cannot forgive because I cannot forget”. It’s immature, indeed.

After all, “forgive but don’t forget” means we’re supposed to be able to forgive no matter how vivid the pain, right?

So what to do?

What are the steps to being more resilient?

Will let you in on it next week. Subscribe on here if you wish to be notified. I never send anything else, promise!

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