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To The "Sad One" In The Relationship: Build Yourself Up

Chose Wisely

There's more to just taking care of yourself. There's more than learning to navigate your relationship. There's also learning to build yourself up.

Surround Yourself Well, Identify Toxic People

Some things are harder to identify than others. I'd say a bit of research needs to be done, perhaps even a quick in at the therapist's might do the trick.

But there's one trait that in this context is an absolute red flag because it is where it all starts to spiral down.

That is isolation.

An ill-intended manipulative person will do everything in the sneakiest forms possible to have you believe that nobody in your entourage likes you or finds you worthy of attention and help. They may keep using negative language in your regards, like "maybe you were an unwanted child", "nobody's really close to you in your family", "you're not brilliant. You have average intelligence", "you're too nice to make any kind of decisions or take any risks, you don't have a lot of character", "stop chasing your friends, they never write to you".. etc.

If there's someone like this in your entourage - or even if you recognise yourself as the person to intentionally or unintentionally do this. Immediate healing is needed. If you're the victim here, you need out NOW.

This person is isolating you from everybody else but him or her. Why? Whether consciously or not, they're doing so to have more power over your mind and manipulate you further into being exactly what they want you to be. It's likely that they're deeply scarred with an enormous fear of abandonment and need to trap you into their life so you never leave their side, believing that no matter how unfairly they treat you, that's all you deserve and will ever get out of this life.

Of course, there are many other red flags in toxic people. I mention this one because to me, it's the start of what could be the worst chapter of your life. Being connected to friends and family, feeling supported, loved and heard means that whatever happens, you will be able to find refuge somewhere safe, where you're appreciated as you are. In isolation, you end up truly believing that you have no way out because there's nobody else out there for you.

For whoever needs to hear it: that. is. simply. not. true.

There are people who love you, and there are people to help you. Chose wisely. Chose the person you confide in wisely. But do it. Talk about it with others. Fact-check whatever this toxic person is saying about you. Ask about the truth. See your friends, ask for comfort. There are people out there who will want to comfort you.

This is probably one of the most efficient ways out of isolation. You'll realize that what he/she says about you is not all true. You'll gain confidence and the power the person has over you will deflate.

Find Your Passion, Your Potential

Now that you've surrounded yourself with caring people, surely, you can start exploring your potential as an individual. You too have something to put out in the world. Don't ever doubt that.

There's one or two things you loved as an 11-year old. Write them down. If you have trouble, maybe it's time to read a book on Ikigai. Start spending time doing this activity you once loved and learn more, expand and enjoy.

Part of being an independent human is having independent dreams and passion projects. Yours may not seem obvious as you're reading this, but give yourself the mind space for a little self-reflexion and it'll come to you.

Inform Yourself, Keep Learning

Knowledge is power. There's not much more to say. If you're aware and awake, your intellectual pillar is strong. It doesn't mean you have to know everything about everything. It means to find out more about something that genuinely interests you. It could be about human behaviour, medicine, writing books, art trends, interior design, pets, dog grooming, farming, etc.

Become an expert at something. Anything. This is a great value add.

The 4 Pillars

If you're reading this, it probably means you're the "sad one", the "negative one", or the "serious one". Now you know it's okay to be it, and there are things to consider and do for yourself to brighten up.

I mentioned this in the previous post: there's no way you can move forward if your pillars aren't holding up.

If one of your pillars is weak, it's likely that your three other pillars will hold up. But if more than one of your pillars are frail, you need to pay attention.

  • Start with taking care of your body - your physical pillar

Unless you've got good reason to be sedentary - say injury for example - get your ass off this couch!! Get back into a workout routine. Just do it (no pun intended). Schedule a spa day with a friend or a relative to reward yourself after your week's intense "back-on-my-feet" workout agenda, or book a table at a good restaurant to celebrate.

  • Then, take care of your lovely brain - your intellectual pillar

Download an app like Peak, turn on Euronews while you drink your coffee or tea in the morning, sign up to an online course on Udemy, read a book on anything you find interesting. Let it become part of your routine, whether in the morning, when you're on the toilet (yes, we all do it), when you're cooking dinner, or on the weekend while doing laundry.

  • Then, practice the art of believing and positive thinking - your spiritual pillar

A lot of people cringe, but being spiritual is a way of believing that the universe is with us and roots for us. It's about trusting that everything works out, that difficulties come our way for a reason. Try to make a list of all the wonderful things that have happened to you in your life. You could also start a gratitude journal, where you write down three things you are grateful for each day.

  • Finally, introduce the people you appreciate into your weekly bubble - your social pillar

Write a message. Send a voice note. Video call. COVID is making social interactions sh** but how about inviting them to go for a walk, packing a sandwich and eating outside? We put so much pressure on ourselves, and we want deep meaningful connections. They cannot happen without starting small. Make it a weekly thing, to shout out to friends. Be real. Be you. You'll attract people you're meant to exchange with.

It's okay to be sad, to be serious, to be negative. Everyone's got their own reality and you have yours. Take ownership. Take things in your own hands when you can. Be kind to yourself and build yourself up. It's never too late!

I would love to hear from you so write to me if you want to discuss this further 😊

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